Feeling Fucked up

I think I had a major tonic-clonic seizure Wednesday morning.

I had all the symptoms of one when I woke up: confusion, migraine, "pins and needles" sensation all over my skull, and bits of my language and memory seemed to be missing. I've had periods of brain fog for the last few days, and deep feelings of depression. I may have fucked up by confusingly making comments over in tranny_rage.

Feeling fucked.

The Gender Public Advocacy Coalition is pleased to announce the release of its 2008 GENIUS Survey in partnership with Ernst & Young. GenderPAC works to ensure that classrooms, communities and workplaces are safe for everyone to learn, grow and succeed.

The Gender Equality National Index for Universities & Schools (GENIUS), GenderPAC’s most recent effort to end discrimination and promote awareness, encourages colleges and universities to recognize the benefits of a GenderSAFE campus - supportive equitable and protective for all students. Choosing to participate in GENUIS sends a strong public statement that bullying or discriminating based on the race, sex or gender of a student, faculty, or staff member is not tolerated at your institution

Fill out the survey at: www.gpac.org/GENIUS2008survey, and make sure that we have data for as many schools as possible. Your voice will help us continue to work towards a safe and welcoming environment for every student

Update on Jenn

I went to visit Jenny at Rehab today and discovered that she'd been moved to Belmont Hospital! This is the second time this has happened, when jenny was moved and I only found out later. The worker there told me "Oh, we don't notify the friends or family when we move them".

Apparently she was moved last Friday and the ward she's in now is a temporary one they put patients in until accommodation is found for them at a nursing home. Luckily I was able to catch a 363 bus from John Hunter all the way to the other hospital (although it was a 1 hour trip, and I was bus sick for most of that).

When I got there I found her very despondent. This time around she was in a room of four, had a TV to watch, but was next to another woman who was constantly saying things like "oh god" and "the pain", "oh oh" and "nurse". Jenn said she does this 24 hours a day, making it difficult for her to sleep. Also, she's scheduled to be transferred to a nursing home in Waratah next Thursday. Jenn wasn't too keen on that, and said that her mother was just "dumping her" somewhere so she could be forgotten.

Once again it's very difficult for me to know the truth of the matter.  Last time I visited I ended running around on a fool's errand, for something that she'd already arranged with rehab. She claims that her mother now has 'power of attorney' but that she never signed it away, and that her G.P. (who just happens to be gay) is gutless and afraid to get them to give her the correct medication because they will "come down hard" on him for being gay, and for Jenn for being trans. It was so hard just to visit her. She is extremely bitter and blames her mother for being in her current situation.

How? Allegedly her mother injured her back when he mishandled her when attempting to assist her to transfer from wheelchair to bed. I've been there on a weekend when her mum's been over and she was struggling to assister and complaining about her back. But according to Jenn she never asked her to do anything and could have managed until her back went. Also, when she arrived at Rehab, she was listed as "low maintenance" and left marked as "high maintenance" which she blames on being bed ridden and ignored. Once again, it might be true, not true, or somewhere in between - I can't tell.

I was utterly drained when I left and caught buses home. I said while waiting for the bus "Help me Goddess, send me help". I think I really do need to find that safe harbour I mentioned in my Sahmain contemplation. It's been so hard to do that lately, especially after my moped accident last week.

YESTERDAY

 

 

I went to Jenny's and was with her for over four hours. It was the most stressful time I've had.

I watched as she couldn't transfer from the wheelchair to her sofa. I helped her do this later but we both knew that this meant that she could no longer stay in her flat. For a while she was in denial of it and said that she wouldn't take the taxi back to rehab. We watched a video - maybe for the last time ever - it was Dr Strangelove.

The most upsetting thing for me was to see her simply give up. She feels beaten and broken and in no way looks forward to going to a nursing home. Almost at the last moment she asked if I could stay the night with her. I couldn't, I was totally unprepared for that, and maybe the fact that I couldn't (if only she'd asked in advance, I would have) was what really brought her down.

We had to organise an ambulance to take her back to rehab as I couldn't help her transfer back to the wheelchair - I didn't know how and Jenn told me it was a two person job. I had my counselling appointment at 3:30pm (though I thought it was at 3pm) and didn't want to leave her alone until it arrived. She phoned her mother who came out and her step-father gave me a lift to my appointment. May be the last time I see that flat. I packed my cup and bowl away and took them with me.

I've not cried so much as this in a long time as I did at the counsellors. I feel as if I've utterly failed my friend and yet there is nothing that I can do, other than be there for her and look after her dog Bobby. I got home feeling very wretched. Kevin, my boarder actually turned up riding his bike (he'd been away at Cessnock for the day) as I was walking down my home street. He almost had an accident at a cross street when a car, trying to avoid me, almost (but didn't) ran into him 20 metres away from home.

Couldn't take that. There was a house full of dogs to unlock, and when he wanted to whine about this I just shouted "I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE - YOU'RE UNHURT AND THE BIKE'S UNDAMAGED SO IT DOESN'T MATTER - I JUST WANT TO SIT DOWN AND DO NOTHING!" I fed the pets and then retreated to my bedroom. Fell asleep watching TV. Been up for just over an hour and need to type this out before trying to get back to sleep.

Very stressed, very sad, very tired. Tempted to "run away" to Sydney tomorrow (today?) and leave the mobile home and not come back until very late.

 

Hey

Hey, i'm new here. I'm a FTM called Matthias (Just call me Matt for short) I'm in a wheelchair, well at the moment i'm pretty much bed bouund. (Thank god for wireless!!) I have a few mental health issues aswell. Anyways, i'm not reall ysure what to say right now. So just saying hey really. 

Matt.

Migraines and Fugue

In the past week I've been having "episodes" - periods where my ability to read/write text is impaired, I start losing facial recognition, and 3D vision goes partly to 2D. Most of the time it's been after using my computer, and looking at monitor, for any length of time. Like the migraines I had a month ago, when I started seeing a crystalline type rainbow on one part of my vision, I find this really disturbing.

I've also been feeling dizzy off and on and sometimes getting a metallic taste in my mouth. I just don't know what to make of all this. Is it all "just" migraines? What's causing it? There have been a few stress points of late and I was also starting to fall into a depressive trough - is it all just stress? I haven't been able to draw any comics for a week, though I may try drawing something about this problem today (maybe put it in comicdiaries).

I'm off to see my dietician tomorrow, and am thinking of seeing a new GP. I no longer have a endocrinologist for my HRT and my current one has been substituting for one, for all I know these are all connected. Last night after I went to a Birthday Bash, it was suggested that my being overweight and/or diet may be a contributing cause to this.

Some thoughts please.

Question that's been bugging me for ages!

I have spastic diplegia CP and am in the process of getting disability benefits, as I'm not okay to work for a while.

My question is, is it possible to obtain a loan or something, so I can get top surgery without losing my benefits and/or having to pay them all back?

Am I still having seizures?

After yesterday, I'm worried that I'm still having epileptic seizures.

There were two instances that seemed to match my fears on the matter. The first was at the public library just after I'd changed clothes in the disabled toilet, and the second was some very puzzling experiences during an interview presentation seminar. The night before I was up 'til 1am, and woke up at 6am in order to catch a 7:30am bus.

Post Lunch

I had a large Chinese lunch at a food hall, and then went to the disabled toilets next to the city library to change into some new clothes - brand new leather shoes and a shirt. It was like my concentration just seemed to dissolve. A strap on my backpack broke and I tied it off, then it was like I was moving in slow motion.

During the Seminar

After that I returned to the employment agency for a training session on interviews. There were three of us at the session, not including the two trainers. One had to leave and two more showed up. This was in a medium sized room with two fluoro lights. We watched a Powerpoint presentation from a small projector.

Anyway, I was paying attention to this, or trying to, when I started feeling odd. I felt incredibly sleepy and started blinking my eyes at a rapid rate. I think I had a micro sleep and then woke up when one of the instructors asked me a question. It was like a corner of the room had become dimmed. The person asking the question was in that corner, and they seemed less 3D than everyone else. This weird effect continued while I was still in the room. I turned my head from side to side, and moved my eyes, but the effect stayed in that one corner of the room.

After it ended, I went to the toilets to change and when I came back the effect was gone. I asked the presenters about changes in brightness, and one of them said that she thought that I'd been having a seizure because of my heavy blinking.

I've never had the second happen to me before. I have been concerned of late that I am having seizures and not knowing it. Early this year I seemed to lose the power of speech for 30 minutes. A few years ago I just couldn't talk properly for about the same amount of time.

Talking to my house-mate mycosys, he seems to think that the effects are similar to being high on dope - but I don't smoke!

This is my brain on chemo

Hmmm, read a posting by </a></a>johanna_hypatia which references the This is my brain on chemo over at Salon.Com.

One part reads "Even after the worst of each round's side effects passed, I remained in a haze of sorts, with difficulty thinking clearly" which describes what I've been feeling for the last two days. Not greatly worried however. I have a history of meningitis (at 2 years old) and epilepsy (8 - 18 years old) and one of the predicted consequences further down the track was "brain fog".

Duh! And why am I not worried? 'cause there's fuck all I can do about it, except wait such days out. I get like this periodically. Partially what brings it on is either/or too much stuff happening, or not enough sleep. Phooey! as Nero Wolfe would say!

Screwup this Friday May 11th, Flogging! SF, CA

May screwup

screwup: BDSM for trans people, genderqueers and their friends, presents...

Flogging? Yes, flogging, really!

by Domina

Friday, May 11, 2007 from 7:00 to 9:30 PM
New College of California in San Francisco, Room 22 (2nd Floor), 766 Valencia Street (near 18th Street), San Francisco

Well, now you have a flogger and…what do you do with it?

You might be surprised at the answers!! There are lots of things you can do with a flogger, and this class is going to show you exactly what those things are. We’re going to help you explore various flogging strokes, strike zones, ways to use a flogger sensually, warm ups, flogger materials and how to buy a flogger.

We’ll teach you the gamut from nice to nasty as far as technique. And we’ll discuss positioning the bottom for each method.
Bring a flogger if you have one. Domina will be bringing a few from her collection so you can see examples of well made equipment from different makers. So there will be a few available for borrowing.

Since this is a workshop, everyone gets to feel it and to try it. Bring a partner, or match up with someone at the class.

Domina, owner of the Frugal Domme Website, is a familiar sight in the Bay Area BDSM community. She started the Modesto Discussion Group, The Northern California Ladies Tea and Discussion Society, and several elists. She is an Emeritus member of the Dungeon Monitors Association Board of Directors, and teaches a lot of different classes in the bay area. She currently helps to organize the Petaluma Munch.

She identifies as a bisexual dominant, and lives in the woods near Forestville with her husband Lee and three very dominant cats.

screwup is for trans people, genderqueers and our friends. This event is open to all genders and will be held in Room 22 at the New College of California. Folks often go out for coffee or food afterwards, so come prepared...

$0-5 donation will be accepted to cover the cost of supplies and flyers. No one turned away. The New College of California is wheelchair accessible and has gender-neutral bathrooms!

Spread the word by downloading, printing, and distributing flyers.

Please contact screwup@screwup.info if you'd like us to arrange for an ASL interpreter, to get involved, make suggestions or with any other requests.
Directions to the New College of California

The MUNI BUS LINES 14, 22, 26, 33, and 49 all run within a few blocks of the New College of California, many run within 1 block. Also, BART runs within 3 blocks (exit at 16th and Mission Streets in SF).

Please use public transportation - parking near the New College of California is not easy.

If you do drive, please be considerate of the New College of California's neighbors and do not block driveways or park in blue or white zones.

also check out screwup at
screwup.info

and

www.screwup.tribe.net
   

Epilepsy Comic

I've rescanned and recoloured my comic on Epilepsy and uploaded it to Web Comics Nation.

Screwup: Pins & Needles, play piercing, 4/3, SF, CA

screwup: BDSM for trans people, genderqueers and their friends, presents...

Pins & Needles - Play Piercing, revisited!

Friday, April 13, 2007 from 7:00 to 9:30 PM
New College of California in San Francisco, Room 22 (2nd Floor), 766 Valencia Street (near 18th Street), San Francisco

Come learn the art of play piercing :) We'll be covering some basic and advanced techniques, including threads, corsets and pulls.

This is a hands-on workshop! A limited amount of needles, alcohol wipes, gloves and sharps containers will be available, but you're strongly encouraged to bring your own.

screwup is for trans people, genderqueers and our friends. This event is open to all genders and will be held in Room 22 at the New College of California. Folks sometimes go out for coffee or food afterwards, so come prepared...

$0-5 donation will be accepted to cover the cost of supplies and flyers. No one turned away. The New College of California is wheelchair accessible and has gender-neutral bathrooms!

Spread the word by downloading, printing, and distributing flyers.

Please contact screwup@screwup.info if you'd like us to arrange for an ASL interpreter, to get involved, make suggestions or with any other requests.

Directions to the New College of California

The MUNI BUS LINES 14, 22, 26, 33, and 49 all run within a few blocks of the New College of California, many run within 1 block. Also, BART runs within 3 blocks (exit at 16th and Mission Streets in SF).

Please use public transportation - parking near the New College of California is not easy.

If you do drive, please be considerate of the New College of California's neighbors and do not block driveways or park in blue or white zones.

East Bay Screwup munch, 4/1, Berkeley, CA

Come one, come all to the first East Bay Screwup munch!

When: Next Sunday, April 1, from 1:30 'till we're through...

Where: Au Coquelet, 2000 University Ave. at Milvia Street in Berkeley (510) 845-0433, only four blocks from the downtown Berkeley BART, and a quick drive from the University exit off of the 80/580 freeway.

Who: anyone who is interested or who participates in BDSM and is trans/queer/genderqueer/friend of same.

What: Informal gathering to meet and converse with kinky folks from around the area. Oh, and some of us will be eating;-)

We will likely snag a good sized table in the back, and will figure out some was of creating visibility TBA.

Parking can be a bit annoying, but hopefully not too bad on a Sunday. Come on out, and bring a friend!

"Sir"

I've been pissed off for the last week or so with people calling me "sir". I normally wind myself up in knots over this, especially when I have low self esteem, which with chronic depression, is periodically the case.

 

The Details

OK, I'm no "ultra femme" - started transition when when I was 36, well after puberty. Because I had epilepsy when I was eight, and was on Dilantin for over 10 years, which affected my appearance. My facial features were a lot courser than they otherwise might be (though the other side effects were much more severe).

Anyway, I've always been rather sensitive about that, and it means that even after 12 years of hormone therapy, it still seems to me that my face looks masculine (see photos below), and even with speech therapy (golly, had that as a kid when I was young as well) my voice is deep.

      

That being the case, two things get to me: bullshit telephone conversations (mostly where the other person, who's never spoken to me before, assumes that I'm not Laura); and public situations where I get called "Sir", regardless of context.

Anyway, just in the last couple of weeks, I've been getting both. Going down to Sydney around the Mardi Gras Festival (especially the night of the march) is particularly bad. I start out in the Hunter as a "Ms" or a "Ma'm", and end up in Sydney as a "Sir". Doesn't help either if I feel "off" with a cold or other infection.

What set me off today was being called "Sir" by the young attendant behind the food counter at "The Bar on the Hill" at university. I was immediately annoyed, snapping back "That's Ma'm, not Sir!" Still in a bad mood I went over to NUSA to eat the meal I'd bought. Popped into the "Queer Space" room and there were some other women in there talking about doing a zine about "homophobia". Well, I had a chance to vent about stuff, and will probably contribute to the zine.

So I guess what I need is a bit of feedback here. Am I really too sensitive about this? Never had a good response to such "mistakes". The worst of it is that I feel that I "ought" to be able to rise above this sort of shit. Am I being realistic, or just too sensitive?

Screwup: Vaginal and Anal Fisting, 3/9, SF,CA

screwup: BDSM for trans people, genderqueers and their friends, presents..

Vaginal and Anal Fisting - The Basics!Friday, March 9, 2007 from 7:00 to 9:30 PM

New College of California in San Francisco, Room 22 (2nd Floor),
766 Valencia Street (near 18th Street), San Francisco

Ever wondered what it would be like to have your hand inside
another person? Or perhaps you have experience with one type of fisting
and not the other? This workshop will cover the basics you need to know
to get started. We will also cover the in's and out's of safety, what
not to do, special techniques, positions, and aftercare.

screwup is for trans people, genderqueers and our friends. This
event is open to all genders and will be held in Room 22 at the New
College of California. Folks sometimes go out for coffee or food
afterwards, so come prepared...

$0-5 donation will be accepted to cover the cost of supplies and
flyers. No one turned away. The New College of California is wheelchair
accessible and has gender-neutral bathrooms!


Spread the word by downloading, printing, and distributing flyers found
at www.screwup.info or www.screwup.tribe.net


Please contact screwup@screwup.info if you'd like us to arrange for
an ASL interpreter, to get involved, make suggestions or with any other
requests.

Directions to the New College of California
The MUNI BUS LINES 14, 22, 26, 33, and 49 all run within a few
blocks of the New College of California, many run within 1 block. Also,
BART runs within 3 blocks (exit at 16th and Mission Streets in SF).
Please use public transportation - parking near the New College of California is not easy.
If you do drive, please be considerate of the New College of
California's neighbors and do not block driveways or park in blue or
white zones.S

Total Wellness! Trans/GenderQueer Health Workshop, Sat., Feb. 17, 12-2PM (West Hollywood)

(X-Posted to GenderQueer and Trans Communities...)

---

The Total Wellness! series will offer learning and collaborative opportunities for both providers and community members. Each part of the series will feature a different topic and address a unique audience, from providers to community members to allies, though all are welcome to each Total Wellness! workshop.









--
"A great revolution in just one single individual will help achieve a change in the destiny of a society and, further, will enable a change in the destiny of humankind." -Daisaku Ikeda
"Revolution is not the uprising against preexisting order, but the setting up of a new order contradictory to the traditional one" -Jose Ortega y Gasset
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices." -William James
"The uncreative mind can spot wrong answers, but it takes a very creative mind to spot wrong questions." -Antony Jay
---
www.genderqueerrevolution.org
info@genderqueerrevolution.org
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/genderqueerrevolution
http://www.myspace.com/genderqueerrevolution
© Copyright 2007, GenderQueer Revolution

AlternaKids Store! New Products!

In the land of the Yum Yum tree, near the candy fountain..... oh nevermind.

The items here are for parents and friends of future free thinkers and nonconformists. You might even find something for yourself.
Enjoy!

Hello from Phila Pa I once helped to open a few trans safe homes for elderly disabled and homeless

My profile has some links to safe homes i worked on. I am also still open to helping set up more but right now i am taking care of an elderly woman who is 84 in phila pa.

For the minnesota area contact choochchick@aol.com she has a 14 bedroom place in western minnesota. It has a wheelchair shower stall and a giant tub. Its all on one floor.

bye love Danielle

Introduction

Hello,

I'm blubeagle. Thank you for accepting me here. I am truly appreciative. 

About me: I am a nonoperative trans. I live in my biological woman's body, but I identify as a man and act as one (mostly.). I have struggled with my identity all of my life and I am thrilled that there are others out there, like me. I also identify as bisexual. I have been in a committed relationship with a man, my husband, for seven years. He understands that I identify thusly and it is fine with him, as he identifies as a (mostly) gay man.

Confused yet? Well, anyway...I'd just like to say I am thrilled to be here.

a documentary about queer crip sex & sexuality & sexuality

Repost for my filmmaker friendster: Wanna get hot and bothered?
Message:
Wanna get hot and bothered?

See positive, steamy images of our beautiful
selves on the big screen?

Create new narratives for queer disabled folks, in
all of our gender-varied, sexuality-varied, dis/ability-
varied glory?

This is a call out to all of you sexy queer divas of
all genders with dis/abilities who live in the larger
Bay Area.

I am making a documentary about queer crip sex
& sexuality, and need your help!

Let's talk about sex! ...the steamy, the
passionate, the hilarious, the awkward, the
difficult, the sad, the kinky, the breathtaking, the
heartbreaking, and the f**king hot moments that
make up our "sex lives."

To be clear, this is a documentary (for my masters
program at UCSC, but may also go to g/l/b/t
festivals), not porn, but can be as racy or not as
we want it to be. The idea is to get more dialogue
out there about queer crip sex, and how we
navigate through the sometimes scary, often
hilarious, more often unspoken world of sexuality.

*Also looking for spoken word, poetry,
photographs, erotica, and/or music on this topic.
Please send me ideas or links, if you can.


If you are interested in finding out more about this
project, please either respond to this posting
directly, or email me at reganpb@gmail.com, or
feel free to call me at cell 415-963-1376.

I am interested in setting up interviews over the
next few weekends, starting this Friday, so please
get in touch asap.


The first cut is due for class by the end of
November, so there's not a whole lot of time.

Thank you!

Austin Unbound

Join us this Sunday, October 15 at 6pm at the Portland Gay & Lesbian Film Festival shorts program- come and help us win $500 toward editing the final, full-length film!

Many of you have been dying to see the trailer online—and we are too! We're having some trouble compressing the trailer so it is sized appropriately for the web. Anyone with experience willing to lend a hand? Meanwhile, the trailer can be viewed at this Sunday's screening.

As you may know, the project has received grants from the Polk Family Charitable Fund, and the Equity Foundation. Last week, it was awarded another grant from Pride Foundation. We are so close to being able to complete the film. The goal is to raise an additional $5000 to hire a professional editor and composer to bring the film to completion. This screening is a great opportunity to come out and support Austin Unbound—we hope to see you there! For more information, please visit www.austinunbound.org

Thanks to the Portland Lesbian and Gay Film Fest for putting this together. "Show and Tell: Uncensored!" will feature 8-10 local short films and filmmakers will briefly introduce their work. After the shorts are viewed, the audience will vote and winner will get a $500 cash prize. The event takes place at Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st Ave at 6pm. Tickets are $8. http://plgff.org/ ASL Interpreters will be at this event. Join members of the cast & crew to view the short and support Austin Unbound.

*"Austin Unbound" is a project produced in non-profit partnership with Film Action Oregon.


Greensoda Productions
www.greensodaproductions.com
greensodaproductions@yahoo.com
503-280-5271

Screwup: Everyday Kink! (SF,CA) 10/13

October screwup

screwup: BDSM for transgenders, genderqueers and their friends, presents...

Everyday kink!

Friday,October 13, 2006 from 7:00 to 9:30 PM
New College of California in San Francisco, Room 22 (2nd Floor),
766 Valencia Street (near 18th Street), San Francisco

A free-for-all interactive discussion on how perverts pervert the everyday:

1) When you are preparing an evening meal at home, are you cooking up more than food? Are you trying to figure out how that battery operated milk-foamer could be used outside of the coffee cup?
2) Do you identify as kink whether or not you’re in a scene? How does that present itself in the everyday?
3) Do your commonplace interactions with the larger world feed your kink? Does you kink feed the larger world?
4) How do you find/incorporate your kink in everyday activities (and the other way around)?

If any of these questions (plus many more) strikes your fancy, come on and join us for a fun-loving interactive get-together. There will be games :) Please bring one or more common everyday seemingly innocent items with you!

screwup is for trannies, genderqueers, and our friends. This event is open to all genders and orientations and will be held in Room 22 at the New College of California. Folks almost always go out for coffee or food afterwards, so come prepared... Everyone is welcome for the socializing and food parts, too!

$0-5 donation will be accepted to cover the cost of supplies and presenter materials/expenses. No one turned away or pressured to pay. The New College of California is wheelchair accessible and has gender-neutral bathrooms!

Spread the word by creating, printing, and distributing flyers, telling friends who might be interested, or reposting this announcement where appropriate.

Please contact screwup@screwup.info if you'd like us to arrange for an ASL interpreter, to get involved, make suggestions or with any other requests.

Directions to the New College of California

The MUNI BUS LINES 14, 22, 26, 33, and 49 all run within a few blocks of the New College of California many run within 1 block. Also, BART runs within 3 blocks (exit at 16th and Mission Streets in SF).
Please use public transportation - parking near the New College of California is not easy.
If you do drive, please be considerate of the New College of California' neighbors and do not block driveways or park in blue or white zones.

muscular dystrophy and hormones

Is there anyone in this community who has some form of muscular dystrophy and has started hormone therapy, so I could maybe get a little info about it's effects on the md. Thanks

tck spooky dinner

haloween is coming its just around the corner for the keene community kitchen hot meals program we are holding the spooky dinner on the pumpkin festival day whitch is on saturday october 21 or october 28 i cant remember the exact date we are going to have a spooky meal and i believe a haunted house type thing in our ware house above the kitchen in the old bowling ally on the second floor you may hear doors open and close that are nolonger part of the building because of a massive storm and fire that took the lives of many and it also took off the third floor of the building even when its not haloween time you still can hear the doors and random noises from the dead people on the third floor

Scared out of my mind...

OK so Ive been having problems with my back and Ive about had it..its coming down to either a chiroprater or surgery..im willing to play with the chiropracter..but surgery scared me..I asked my doctor if this was going to put me in a chair( a wheel chair that is) and he looke dirhgt at me in front of my friend and says exactly these words "I hope not"..I mean honestly what the heck shouldnt a doctor say that he needs to run test or do something and then he can answer me instead of telling me "I hope not"...so I really need some sound advice...am i in the right to be scared or am i just being dumb about this..because honestly I'm scared out of my mind!